Workshop Four Responses

Andrea—

You have some really great stuff in here (the physical description of Lisa and the description of the neighborhood, for instance). I think that the thing is that you really need to decide what the heart of this piece is—is it the education issue that you allude to in the beginning and come back to in the end? Is it the disease itself and how it’s affected Lisa’s life? You need to decide what the most important tidbits to put into the article are based on what you decide the piece is about, and work with that.

I got really lost at times with some of your transitions. For example, when you start talking about education in the second paragraph and then move into you arriving at Lisa’s house. And when I do figure out where you’re going, sometimes it’s a little clunky. If you could find a way to smoothly move from one paragraph/topic to the next, I think the piece would really benefit. Overall, though, I think that this piece has really great potential and you’ve got a good start—the most important thing will just be deciding what you want to focus on.


Marina—

I think this was a really great idea, and you’ve done a lot of really great reporting. I really like the opening, it really drew me in. I would be interested, though, to hear more about how the interpretation of The Tempest from the “feminist perspective,” being as my reading of The Tempest was very gendered (I actually wrote a paper once on gender and power in The Tempest as it relates to Miranda). So I’d like to hear more about what exactly how it is a “reclaiming,” so to speak—more than just changing the characters to females.

You’re right that you do need more description—you may be able to weave narrative in with one or both of the other two women. I also think that it would be great if you could get something more concrete in there about sexism on our campus (an example, for instance, of a place/time it occurs, or something that someone has said before, etc)—right now it’s a little abstract, but getting some more detail in there could really strengthen the piece. Great first draft, though—I look forward to reading the finished piece in a week or so!



Simona—

This is such a great topic! I’m a little jealous, actually. You do a pretty good job with the narrative, but I wonder if you could open in a different place (like when you show up at that house, for example)—I think that that could draw the reader in more and puts us right into the story from the beginning (as opposed to working us in more). You could still go back and give the background info, but I don’t think that we need the scene of you sitting outside the library—those are words that you could use to flesh out more detail later in the piece.

You work the background info about Farmworker Legal Services and the Michigan Civil Rights Commission in well—it felt very seamless, and I didn’t feel bogged down in facts and background stuff. The piece really flowed well overall. I wonder if we could get more about the connection between the K students and the migrant workers—did you see a scene with them interacting? Did they talk at all about why they chose to pursue that option, or why it’s important to them? I think that making that connection could really strengthen the piece.


Steven—

This is really interesting. You capture some really great things, and your discomfort with the whole situation is really palatable. There is some really great description as well, though at points I feel like you go on describing for too long (third paragraph, maybe?). I wonder if there’s some way that this doesn’t have to be chronological, and you could weave in some quotes and dialogue in earlier.

My other issue is that it seems like you lose steam after you start talking to them, which was an aspect I was really interested in and wanted more of. For example, I was a little confused about the significance of the book and your conversations surrounding it that you detail at the end of the piece. I also wonder if there’s a different way you can open—you can still tell us where you are, etc., but start with something other than “I am at”—that gives away too much. Maybe start with description of the place, or your discomfort, and THEN make it clear where you are. The subject is really cool, though—I’d love to get more of them in the piece, and them talking about the community that they have.