Workshop Three Responses

Myles—

I wonder if there’s some way you can fuse the two parts of this together (the visit and the interview). You have so much description in the first half and it’s not until the second that that it really becomes interesting to me, that I really feel like I should care, and then it ends so quickly—I was just getting really into it and then it was over! So I’m wondering if you can find a way to get some of the context or quotes in earlier, break up the description a little bit (you may also be able to use less description, and then you could do more of the story). If you do that I think it could be a really great piece.

I’m also not sure that I like your voice in the piece. It might actually be a stronger piece if you take yourself out of it (and especially your friend). You can still say the same things, just don’t use the “I”—I think that it’s unnecessary, and might hurt the piece more than it helps. But we should still be able to get the same feeling about what the building is like.


Joel—

I feel like maybe I kind of know what your overall point is, but having a more clear structure might really help that. You have huge paragraphs and kind of jump from point to point without any logical progression, so I think your piece could really benefit from breaking it up and a greater structure.

I also feel like, though you have these large paragraphs, I know very little about the band or the people in it. There are a lot of points that I feel like you could make in fewer words, and that would help you add more to the piece. There are some key aspects that I really feel are missing: How many people are even in the band? What city are we in? How old are they?

I’m also a little confused by the opening—who is he taking the guitar from? You ? Someone else? I think that having that clarification could make it a stronger opening.

I think that they could be a really cool subject if you can break things up a bit and get more information in there. They seem interesting, but I think you just need to find a way to rework to piece a little bit.


Anna—

I almost feel like this last paragraph could be the intro—I feel like this is almost the heart of the piece, so to speak. There’s action here, and you encompass a lot, and this is where I really felt like there was something, like I knew what the piece was about. Before that, it was just these different areas of a building, and I didn’t feel very invested in what was going on there. You kind of bounced from place to place and there’s a lot of description and less about the overall, and it’s not until the end that I really felt like I understood—I want to understand earlier.

So, I think that if you can make the overall point clearer in the beginning (and this last paragraph might work, if you just tinker with a few things), then you could go into different areas of the building and how it’s all entwined, and also give information about the building itself. But I need to understand why I’m reading the piece earlier. This is a great subject, though, so I think that if you just rework some things your piece could be really cool. Great start!


Claire—

I like this piece. I think that it’s great that you went to all three places and talked to a bunch of people. I’m unsure how I feel about having your voice in the piece—I think it could work okay without it as well, I don’t know. You could be telling the same story without your voice, but I’m really just undecided about it—I can’t decide if it’s distracting or not.

But in general, there are two things I’m concerned about: transitions and take home message. Your transition from Waldo’s to The Strutt works well—I’m most concerned about the first one from Fourth Coast to Waldo’s because it’s so abrupt. You need to find a different/smoother way to get us from one place to the next.

In terms of take home message, I guess that I’m just not sure what I’m supposed to think about changes associated with the smoking ban after reading this piece. Is the message simply that they’ll get over it? You seem to be saying that at points, but it needs to be clearer. I think that you’ve got a really great start, though, and I’ll be interested to read this piece again after you revise it.