Other Profile Responses

The responses for those people who posted their profile late:

Simona—

There’s so much going on in this piece! I think you need to narrow the focus—my original understanding was that the piece was about The Strutt as a place (and part of the writing reflects this), but you spend a lot of time talking about the individual characters involved, especially Kelly. You need to decide what/who the piece is about and go from there. If the piece is about Kelly, make it about Kelly (and The Strutt would obviously be part of that, but you need to set it up differently than it is now); if the piece is about The Strutt, you need more about The Strutt—what does it look like on the inside, what kinds of people go there, how do they interact?

Regardless of that, I think that you need to become concise and decide what the most important details are to the piece—you have some HUGE paragraphs that readers will get lost in, and these could easily get condensed. We don’t need to know everything you’ve learned about these people in the last two weeks, just what is most important to the narrative you’re telling. I think that once you do these things, the piece could turn out really well.


John—

I think that the one thing your piece is obviously missing is a scene from inside the barber shop. How do these people really interact, in your eyes? What is the atmosphere like? All the background details that you put in about the owner and how he got to where he is today are really interesting (though I’d be interested to know if he regrets anything—not going to school, for example—is he still happy with the choices he made?), and you do a good job describing the neighborhood, but I want more about the shop—and the customers. Can you talk to any of them? What do they have to say about the place? Why do they keep going back, or why did they come to begin with? And what about co-workers? What are they like?

I think that you could easily streamline some of the earlier stuff in the piece (especially the stuff about him), and work in some stuff about the shop. I think that he’s really interesting, but now I want to know about the place itself? This is a really cool subject, and I look forward to reading the final version of your piece!


Steven—

This is a cool subject—she has an interesting background story, and that, integrated with the program itself, makes for an interesting piece, I think. There are a few areas that could be strengthened, though. For example, I think that I could use some more fleshed out details about what she’s like as a person—I need to know not only what she looks like, but what makes her an individual? And the biggest thing is that this piece just seems really wrapped up to me, bow and all, as if she suddenly just had an epiphany one day and now everything is great. Is it really that simple? Was it as easy as just having a conversation with her parents? I need more about what was going on—event-wise, and in her head. Is she really perfectly happy now, or is she just trying to convince herself that she is?

I also think that we need more voices in this story. Get Katanski, maybe even try to get her parents or one of her closest friends—we just need someone else in this piece. Good job, though, so far—I look forward to reading the finished piece!